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How to Receive Criticism Graciously

12/28/2014

2 Comments

 
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Recently, a group of ladies and I got into a discussion about conflict and confrontation. Several of the women expressed their extreme discomfort with any kind of conflict.

"I just break down and cry," one shared. "I don't know how to handle negativity."

We women struggle with two main areas of potential conflict:

  1. Receiving criticism, or
  2. Giving it.

Fortunately, there are ways to receive criticism graciously and to confront others lovingly. Today, I'd like to focus on the first area: How to receive criticism without letting it spoil your day.

Get tougher.

"Women are so sensitive!" a man once told me. "I try to be kind and thoughtful, but it seems like women are so easily offended or upset. What's a guy to do?"

This man was one of the most mild, easy-going, nonjudgmental men I know. If he felt intimidated by female emotions, I was certain that less diplomatic men must feel entirely inept in this area.

Truthfully, we ladies need to grow a thicker skin. Mom often said during my pubescence: "Buck up, girly. Life isn't fair. If you don't get used to it, you'll be one unhappy woman." Mom knew this from experience, and, although I hated her advice at the time, it was very valuable to me later.

I'm not downplaying the difficulty of receiving verbal slaps. Trust me, I've dealt with some very unpleasant personalities. But in a way, it's been good for me. It has taught me strength and control of my emotions. It's natural to feel like crying or like yelling back. But there is power in remaining calm and controlled during an out-of-control situation. It makes you the true master of the situation.
Proverbs 16:32
He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.

Look beyond the method of communication  to the message.

A man once admitted to me, "I used to ignore what my father said, because I didn't like how he said it. Now that he is gone, I wish I had listened more. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I had listened for the truth in the message instead of getting frustrated with his method of communication."

This is wise. Often, when I am on the receiving end of someone's very poor communication style, I remind myself to consider the message itself. Is there any truth in what is being said? What can I apply to my life? No, it's not easy. Yes, it takes lots of practice and humility. 

I have found that this method is effective in growing me emotionally and spiritually, and in helping me to appreciate whatever good may be mixed in with the bad.

Communicate appreciation back.

"You know," I said. "What you are saying makes sense. I can see why I frustrated you when I did that. I apologize and I appreciate your bringing the matter to my attention."

Never mind that the criticism may have been unkind or unfair in some way. If I can see truth in the criticism, one of the best ways to respond is simply to show appreciation for what I have learned, regardless of the tone of the teacher. Yup, sometimes I'd much rather defend myself. But teaching someone a better communication style is not best done once he or she is already angry. 

And you know what? Often when I use this approach of appreciation, the situation diffuses quickly. The other person feels like he or she has been heard, and I (oddly enough) feel that I have gained some value from the conversation.

A few notes...

In all of this, I am not saying that it's okay to accept a situation that is truly abusive. I am not saying that you just have to knuckle under and accept criticism all the time; sometimes you have a right to feel upset or defend yourself. 

But I am saying that sometimes our feminine sensitivity blinds us to better ways of responding to and viewing the situation. Maybe there's a truth we've missed. Maybe there's something we can do better. Maybe we're feeling upset even when the other person is actually being quite gentle.

How do you accept criticism? What do you find the most challenging? What response have you found effective?

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2 Comments
Amanda T. link
12/30/2014 02:43:14 pm

A quote from a movie I recently watched goes, "It's kind of ironic that someone so critical cannot take criticism." I'm known for being more critical than I care to admit and at the same time, laugh at myself (after it's done and said) when I get frustrated over someone else's criticism of my work, etc. :) One of the things that God has helped me to realized is that I need to stop and reflect on what I was told instead of taking it personally immediately. Sometimes that might mean not replying instantly (acknowledging the critique but saving my reaction for later) and then when I can fully appreciate the criticism, reply in gratitude. :)
~Amanda

"Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, and before honour is humility." (Proverbs 18:12)

Reply
Yaasha Moriah
12/31/2014 01:40:48 am

Thanks for commenting, Amanda. I totally resonate with everything you said. I think it's natural that we struggle when we receive critique/criticism. After all, our ego is under attack!

One of the dangers of this struggle is that we remove possibilities for people to judge us or our work. For me, that meant I didn't show many people my stories for a long time, because I was afraid they would not like them. Now I've decided I would rather do and fail than fail to do. I'm learning it's not about me; it's about Christ. And how can I become more like Christ if I not only hide my light for fear of criticism, but see criticism as a personal attack, rather than as an opportunity to improve?

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    Meet Yaasha

    None of my life has gone the way it was "supposed to go," but I don't love my life any less because of the hardships and new directions. I see so much unexpected good in it, and I want others to see the good in theirs.

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